I have never had a manicure. Or a pedicure for that matter.

Nope. Never had one of either. I've wanted to have one, but now I just feel awkward because I never got to learn any of the etiquette associated with it.  Why have I never had one you ask? Probably mostly because I'm cheap, I mean frugal, hmmm, how about practical? Yeah, lets go with that.

I've hinted on numerous occasions to those in my life that buy me gifts (which reminds me, remind me to write a post on my philosophy of gifts) that I would like to have one, that it would be a special treat, but nope, no luck.  I don't know why I feel silly just outright asking for one, I mean, they're pretty common. Probably because my friends are a pretty practical bunch as well and don't generally have them either.

While we're on the subject of me depriving myself, I've never had a massage or a facial either. Hmmm, I might fail at being a girl. Oh wait, I have lots of shoes! Hopefully 'they' won't throw me to the wolves after all.

Don't judge a book by its cover

First of all, why the hell not? If you write a book, and you want people to read it, you need to make it look bloody well interesting. There is a reason that the Twilight books sell better than the complete works of Shakespeare. That being said, I don't think you could pay me to read either of those.

The other day I was out for dinner, at a restaurant that was probably at least a notch or two above my social standing.  The type of place where you don't really understand what it is that's being offered to eat but you feel a bit too self-conscious to ask. Or at least I do. How am I supposed to maintain my air of middle-class if I have a trailer park palate.

No such worry for the middle-aged guy sitting at the table next to us, which was close in that cozy "aren't we such a great restaurant, look how many tables we have to squeeze in here to feed our adoring fans" sort of way.  He also felt he was in a little over his head, but wasn't afraid to admit it. He joked with his guests (a younger, hip looking couple in their late 20's) that he was probably breaking some sort of unwritten dress code. Initially I was a little embarrassed for the couple and this louder than a whisper (the average tone of the restaurant) gent and his failure to adhere to social norms. I may not actually BE upper middle class, but at least I can fake it.

Part way through the meal we ended up talking to him, probably in big part because he pointed at something we ordered and said, "well, what's that?". Ultimately, we ended up sharing a few nibbles with these folks at the table next to us (it was a tapas place, which is meant for sharing after all!) and our dinner was probably better for it. I think my favorite comment was his take on some sort of snooty pork belly thing - "it's like fancy bacon".  In the end, we had a great night and I realized that he is probably a "better" (if not at least happier) person than I am; he was happy with who he was and not ashamed of it. He certainly was a nicer person than the appropriately dressed snotty woman sitting to the other side of me who had her belongings strewn over my seat when I sat down and didn't even make an effort to move them out of my way.

Charlie Sheen

Okay, so this is a blatant fishing expedition for googlers to end up here. I figure between a post titled "Charlie Sheen" and my post titled "Hookers and Blow" I'm a shoo in for anybody wanting to know a bit more about Charlie boy. Badum dum ching!

So my post isn't really about Charlie Sheen, it's more about people in the entertainment industry with jobs (zing!) and more specifically that part of their job is to be attractive. In today's day and age we are all far too lazy busy to go to the gym to get those bodies that we all dream of, but I think the perfect solution is to become a celebrity - then being attractive and fit is your job. If you fail at it, you're even given a second chance and your own workout video/weight watchers sponsorship/cookbook/tv show to show the world how you got thin again.

Now how does one become a celebrity you ask? Well that is the hard part, because lets face it, if it was easy I'd have done it already. I suggest moving to the United Kingdom. My experience when visiting there is that their daily newspapers and all of their gossip rags spend their entire budgets covering the stories of people who are any number of degrees removed from celebrity. It's like "six degrees of anyone famous". If you play your cards right you will also end up with a record deal over there, they seem to give those out like candy launch many promising music careers.

If it was MY JOB to be attractive, could I do it? Don't get me wrong, I've got a pretty good foundation to work with but how do I figure out the formula? Everyone knows that more attractive people generally get farther in life (unless they're uber mega smart) so should I invest some serious time and effort into going to the gym and reading Cosmo so that I can do the perfect smoky eye?

I think celebrities are maybe all uber mega smart, because not only do they earn way more than I do, but they essentially get paid to go to the gym. They aren't allowed to come up with the same excuses we do because they might lose their job if they turn into slobs like the rest of us. What about people saving up for weight loss surgery like liposuction as a "quick-fix" - would they maybe be better off working less and just going to they gym? Quite possibly, but human nature would probably just cause them to fill those non-working hours with other activities that still wouldn't leave them time for the gym (in their minds).

The solution? Become a celebrity so it's your job. Now that I have solved how to become thin and get paid for it I will work on world peace.

Oh, and Charlie Sheen doesn't need to be a celebrity anymore because he has Adonis DNA and tiger blood.